Not sure what happened last night, but there are four mini bikes outside and some guy is wearing my shirt passed out in the breakfast nook. Won't be telling the grand kids about this one.
Alex texted me. Bootycall boy #2. its like an alarm goes off once i'm single that the line is open again
My Vagina smells like Nemo again.
I might have been fine if i had magic teleportation powers and could have skipped the car ride between bar and home
And I can say one thing, I look pretty good in high wasted pants. I don't know if that helps. But I do. God I'm high.
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
She told me that for every Ravens touchdown, I'd get to come once.
Marry her. Marry her now. I'll help you steal the ring.
I feel as bad as you right now. I'm about to use one girls car to go see another one
Fuck ya. But normally I drove one girls car picking up a different girl while texting another girl lol
Wanna play whack-a-mole in my pants?
Your word choices worry me.
She's so nice... She deserves all the dicks.
We were looking everywhere for you and I finally found you in the closet talking to a build a bear.. So I gave you and myself another drink
The girls said some drunk guy in footie pajamas was asking for me when they opened the doors. I thought we agreed you were gonna stay home and microwave me some bacon.
So I woke up this morning to find my laptop open, with a google search for "where to buy marble", and a hungover naked northern girl in my bed who told me that I claimed to be a sculptor last night and that I promised to sculpt a bust of her hands...
Eventually I will start sleeping with people who actually want to hangout with me the next day... But not today
Cops swarmed my car last night in the walmart parking lot cause of the paper plate
Randomize
