We're watching an ocean show on Discovery Channel and drinking every time they say "dolphins." PS. Seals kill birds. Tell all your friends.
Seriously, stop peeing all over the toilet seat. It looks like movie theatre butter.
Exactly how does jacking off in my purse count as a 'early christmas present'?
I knew it was different as soon as you told me you slept with him and didn't tell me about his dick
Hahahaha you would not believe what I just pulled out of my vagina. Actually you probably wouldn't be surprised.
I deem it safe for us to drink together again.
They dropped the charges?
Yeppers. Come drink beers.
THAT IS NOT SOMETHING YOU TELL SOMEBODY THE FIRST TIME YOU MEET THEM IN THE DARK.
That does it. We're drinking til we're pirates.
I'm not judging you. Just know that you could be Queen of The World. Instead you're 5:28 p.m ponging. I hope you're at least winning
She is the Michael Jordan of blowjobs. Unfortunately, her baby sister is the Michael Jordan of baseball of blowjobs. It does not run in the family.
There is a chick wearing some guy's shirt wrapped around her waist as a skirt... She's flashing her panties to everyone as she sings karaoke. You need to get here.
Like please, take your microdick and try to stick it someplace else. It is not welcome in my world.
Walked in on my roommate covering his dick in blue frosting. Am staying with my folks for the Forth. See you Monday if the brain bleach works.
You reeked of guilt and shame and we offered you pancakes
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
Randomize
