So much for the toy store...Not a butt plug in the entire place. See you tonight.
So shortly after drunk sex...she starts crying and saying..." you don't care about me, you never do anything nice for me" so I called her a cab
So while she was giving me a lap dance I told her I quit med school. Just so she didn't feel like the only one who's made bad decisions in their life.
there's got to be a less slutty way to tell him the baby isn't his
His shirt was in the kitchen sink this morning, I'm pretty sure my roommates know.
well since you're still married, you will be paying for my abortion right?
I puked in the pool and didn't tell them, then they all went swimming. Is it dick to just sit back and enjoy the show?
Chalk up having sex in a car wash.
Maybe it's cuz you slapped him with a pancake last night
Stoned in a petco on a Saturday. I figured out that ferrets can eat themselves out. Just picture it. Never leaving.
There two guys dressed as FEMA workers with jump-suits that say "Post-Disaster Breast Examination Division"
I gave his daughter swim lessons and in exchange he sold me an ounce. I feel so accomplished.
He just said "I know you want my cock" and I said nah. I want food bro
I'm watching Netflix with my cats and eating homemade bread. Everyone and everything can go and fuck itself.
I accidentally just texted my dad asking if he wants to do shrooms with me. Do I leave the city now or...
Randomize
