Are u religion class? I'm on my way, I have cum in my hair. tell u later.
why doesnt he love me? i have tried everything. i even sang to him after sex.
you have got to be kidding?
Just got an Edible Arrangement my parents sent me for my birthday. Time to marinate some fruit in vodka.
all i remember is being at the diner with her at 3am and her storming into the kitchen to make sure the chef gave me regular fries instead of home fries.
I concluded last night that you have no tear ducts, heart, or sense of any feeling.
Just remember, if we get caught, you're deaf and I don't speak English.
Ok. So let me get this straight. She treats her vagina like a clown car, yet judges me for just making out with the guy that bought all of us shots?
How much do you charge for your Funyun and beer delivery service?
So hungover. I dropped my keys and leaning over seemed a terrible idea. Instead I took my shoe off in the middle of the street and use my toes to pick them up. Think I'm a genius.
after you left he started opening his bottles by smashing the neck against the edge of the fireplace and pouring beer into his mouth. it was about the manliest thing ive ever seen. its probably how lumberjacks open their beers... if they didnt have their axes handy.
On the flip side Weston asked if he could move me to Wisconsin to be his "moto hoe" which is actually a thing apparently
I had sex while you were puking this morning and I'm sorry. Kind of.
It's ok. I had sex while you were drunk crying last night. We're even.
Can I just keep holy water in the night stand next to the vibrator?
I think I just got suckerpunched by a 14-year-old.
I feel like I have the I just lost my virginity face and everyone at the grocery store knows it.
Randomize
