i guess its not very common for a paramedic to have to revive someone who was struck by a falling shampoo bottle while getting off from the bathtub faucet.
when we asked you if you had had anything to drink tonight you looked up from the toilet while cupping the water into your hands and said "this.. just this"
if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
It finally happened. My conscience stopped working. I've never felt so free
underwater hpnotiq shots? sure why not.
never underestimate the power of walking into a bar alone in uv cat makeup.. took home a seven foot man
She almost killed me. The shot she handed me had tacks in it. Wtf?!
its cute though when you google his name more than one mug shot comes up from different states
You should have totally come, I started watering down vodka with cider. I have lost the sense of taste.
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
Im crossing my legs while on the toilet. It's like I'm unconsciously thinking "if im going to barf and shit at the same time, Im at least going to do it LIKE A LADY"
your phone died, so you started bawling in the bar
yeah that sounds like me
Out of all the things you could eat off of my tits you choose lettuce? Thats so healthy. Yuck.
Hi. Tara tells me your sandwiches and stamina are substantial
FIVE TIMES AND I HAVENT GOTTEN OFF ONCE
literally yelled NOOOO right before he finished .. yelled “five times and I still haven’t gotten off” when he was still inside me ..
Said “don’t worry I’ll get myself off tomorrow” to top it all off
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