The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
Who keeps a bong in their car??
Kids who graduated high school two weeks ago.
Watching Miami Social reminded me of how much I miss snorting coke with burger king straws in a life guard hut on the beach until we noticed someone was drowning.
Did you save them?
Who?
Got drunk. Then they sung "we didnt start the fire" to my other cousin who accidentally burnt down the house when she was younger.
debating whether or not to save the package from my first plan b pill. it would be a nice addition to any baby book.
Just witnessed my roommate pick her nose and eat it in her sleep. Remember, you made out with that.
Oh my god. I just realized something amazing. If I get pregnant with a boy, that technically means I have a penis right??????
I'm sorry, but the "Hobbit Slam" has to be a sex move.
I also turned off the Anchorman DVD start menu before cause I didn't want Will Ferrel watching me lose my virginity.
Omg, you would have loved the guy I almost hit with my car tonight
you can only text me tonight if its in drake lyrics. thats the rule
When the dude you brought home from the bar on Thanksgiving leaves before you wake up ... #thankful
Should we make a shared Google doc list of places we want to fuck? Like a scavenger hunt?
my roomie eats chipotle far too often. when i was looking for a bag to throw up in I had my choice of a wlamart bag and 10 chipotle bags
After drinking all day I popped an adderal, slammed three beers in a row, apparently told the bartender "thanks bitch" then ran on stage.
Randomize
