saw him outside... he got fatter, i got blonder. the winner is obvious.
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
The reason halloween exists is because it's not cheating if you're wearing a costume.
i feel this outfit says i'm better than you, but i might give you a handjob behind a building
Just got a lecture from Dad about how I need to be more responsible and start buying my weed in larger quantities so that i can save money. Like he was serious and kind of disappointed in me for not adapting to his method earlier.
well what she called a "work function" most people call "doing shots with your boss while people throw napkins at you."
She said I walked up to the McDonalds counter and ordered just a cup full of pickles then proceeded to offer some to everyone in the place.
how is it that I keep meeting up with you when Im drunk?
you stand on my porch screaming my name until I come out with you...
Not much, just taking another sorting hat quiz while waiting for this porno to finish buffering
you showed up at my door at 3am, handed me a bag of cold chicken nuggets and said "lead me to the non-irish Siobhans," do YOU think you were tripping?
Why is there puke in my guitar?
Because you puked in your guitar.
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
Dude, my vagina feels like new again! I love antibiotics. How's your day?
Someone just needs to roll me into a blanket burrito and feed me drugs
I just had a visual of u banging and screaming at him at the same time.
Randomize
