Totally saw a hot amputee. I think this is called character growth.
I showed him my bush... on skype.
Judging by the grocery store, everyone stocked up on frozen pizza and beer for the blizzard. If our generation ever faces doomsday, we'll go out smiling.
my little brother just asked me why i have handcuffs. How do I tell him that his sister likes being taken advantage of in the bedroom?
He asked me to grab his balls and yell "thats a spicy meat-a-ball" Last time I do requests.
It got awkward when the girl working at planned parenthood continued to hit on me, after she knew about my STDs.
Found out that it IS actually possible to get road head from somebody in the back seat
He filled four shots of Everclear and walked around saying "FREE VODKA SHOTS". he is to blame.
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
....I feel like you are deciding whether or not I'm good enough for you based on what I ordered from Chipotle.
I don't know man, I woke up and shes here acting like she knows me, wearing my clothes, and scrambling eggs in my kitchen. I don't know her.
You were drinking with me last night, I warned you.
she paid $15 and a box of cheerios for their acid
Is it weird that my mother is taking body shots off my gf after meeting once?
And it only took a fake engagement ring, a condom and a bowl of weed
Randomize
