Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
Drawing dicks in the frost on people's windshields is a rare joy I allow myself while walking to my 8 AM class.
You hooked up with a kindergarten teacher?
Yea. It's kind of weird knowing that there are kindergarten teachers out there with their nipples pierced.
just overheard a conversation that ended in "and that's what I learned in France" How could that not have been about sex
I just found cold cuts in the blender. You and beefeater can no longer have unsupervised parties.
in light of our recent drunken behavior, i think it's time we seriously consider hiring ourselves a babysitter.
he said he was going grocery shopping but when he came back all he had was a jumbo bag of pancake mix and case of beer.
the essentials, lol
The first thing we did this morning was see if we could see her barf in the prking lot from the roof. We could. It was in 5 spaces.
He's like a unicorn and I just wanna domesticate him
In other news: I massively over-caffeinated this morning. Everything is vibrating and I can SEE THROUGH TIME
You're wearing pigtails and giving away our kitchen appliances. Clearly, you're drunk.
So the door man at the local dispensary started giving me motivational talks about my beard...
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
She’s fine. Found her in the bathtub eating Cheerios and watching Rugrats on an iPad.
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
Randomize
