I just got my inseam measured in raffle tickets by a drag queen. Being fondled for charity is awesome.
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
Look I know it's late and I hope this doesn't wake you up but I feel like you should know that I'm sleeping on my couch in my own apartment so that my friend can get laid in my bed, and I would do the same for you.
We now know how the night ended in arrest according to the flip camera I did 10 handle pulls and beer bonged a 40. My life choices are getting worse and worse this is your fault.
Travis is back on this booty and burgers thing. If I'm his delivery service for food he better fuck me how I want.
He tried to convince me that it wasn't really that small and all he had to do was pull back the groin fat. It was still small.
The topic of sex in the jamba banana suit has come up on multiple occasions. We're just waiting for a moment to try it out.
My dad used the quotation mark gesture with his hands when he asked how my "roommate" was doing.
That may be because I drunkenly sent him a pick of you two curled up together like kittens. Two very buff kittens.
Well we did eat French fries lady-and-the-tramp style last night...
Just heard a girl ask "Wait you're not my boyfriend?!" to a guy wearing the Mickey to her Minnie Mouse on my way home. Made me feel better about myself.
Peeing out the car window on the way home was a nice touch. In December, in Michigan, at 3am. Never seen a girl do that before. Neither had the guy in the minivan next to us.
I just fell off a roof. So I'm kinda chillin for a minute.
Sooooo have your ex-girl console you over your ex ex girl that you destroyed said ex-girl over the possibility of
So today was the first day i've been sober since Wednesday according to my roommate!
These girls next to us are doing shots called bath salts. Sadly this is the classiest bar I've been to since i moved to PA
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