sorry about last night, sometimes people just get drunk and have sex witht heir friends
I know, I was there.
He just told me his cousin just died and I look like her. Reconsidering the sex.
I wanted to dispute a few 411 charges on my phone bill. The service rep told me I called them four times asking for Lady Gaga's number.
Who was that couple sleeping in your bed with us last night?
Yeah, I think they knew. I smelled like that telltale combination of strippers and Easter.
Am I texting you while being used as a stripper pole by two half-naked women? hint: I am.
well someone pooped in the lint basket in the laundry room last night, but none of us will admit to it so we're all just secretly judging each other and doubting ourselves.
Am I over stepping my bounds if I ask to fuck in your new bathroom?
It has heated floors
Being single/not living at home sucks. All I want is someone I can force to pick up my pizza for me so I don't have to talk to anyone.
found $100 my ex got arrested and I can receive free health insurance I gotta tell ya 2014 is really going to be my year
Is it bad that I'm using the photo I took for my fake ID as my linkedin profile pic?
I've been continuously high for the last 48 hours, and just broke my 4th vibrator. Coincidence? FIND ME A MAN I BEG OF YOU.
Mike Pence got the fuck boy eyes though
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
Ok so I need a recap of last night...
YOU SPENT SIX DOLLARS AT NICKEL BEER NIGHT!!! How's that
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