I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
its freezing days like this when i seriously consider littering to speed up the global warming processes.
sorry for making everyone realize you look like bruce jenner
Some one left their pants in the elevator.
Everyone is sleeping and i'm sittin here in my iron man mask, watchin chelsea lately and tryin to figure out how to smoke through it.
What if this is the rest of my life? Sitting at the bar waiting for someone to play Single Ladies
Just met another girl you fucked but this time in seattle. Your cock gets almost as much mileage as jet blue. Anaheim and seattle both say hi, figured you don't remember their names.
Ya know, since we do have alot of sex with each other i figure i should wish you a happy valentines day
I can't stream porn because Xbox live is taking all the Internet. I thought having a male roommate would make life easier.
Thanks for having me and my emotional baggage over last night.
I woke up and there was pizza slices on the fucking walls of my room
Would it be sad if I made a blanket fort to get drunk in till the power came back?
I woke up this morning wearing his boxers as a shirt
Honey...this isn't my 20's. This is my 30's. I paid for this house and these expensive ass sheets to fuck in them. Get your ass over here.
She fucked my eyebrows.. I've never had that done before.
Wait... Plucked, or Fucked?
Fucked, but I understand your need to clarify
Randomize
