My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
my ass hurt today after the party last night. I wnt to the doctors and they found a coin in a ziplock bag with a note from you. WHAT THE FUCK DID U DO TO ME???
That's saying a lot from the girl who takes her liquor with her to the library
I'm skipping the 'hey, how are you, I have to pick up something pointless at your apartment' excuse and just telling you I'm coming over to fuck.
Anything that comes outta your cooch is bound to be breathtaking
That could use a little rephrasing
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
she asked me where ive been her entire life and the guy in the room next to us yelled "with other women bitch!"
I'll even be awesome and bring pizza for your family, just as a "hey thanks for letting a stranger get trashed at your house" gesture.
When the cops pulled up I just stood flat against the fence with my hands up while yelling out,"I'm a tree!!"...
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
I got you a "sorry you think I'm pregnant" present
If your gig isn't over in 30 minutes I am coming on that stage to come on your dick.
Guess who's the proud owner of her very own foxtail butt plug!!
i almost got into an argument defending my life choices with a guinea pig eating chocolate cake at 4am
Finally hooked up with Ryan. Now I know why they call him “Beast Mode”. So. Many. Orgasms.
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