I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
There's a girl n class drinking wine out of a taco bell cup. I can smell it.. it's totally reisling. JEALOUS.
You realize it's finals week?
Ya that's the school's fault. St. Patrick's day came first.
I feel like if you stuck me in a room with all my old toys it'd be the best high ever.
I can't help but be optimistic. I'm like a ball of slutty sunshine.
Don't worry. This time I'll get black out drunk so they'll just think it's an American thing.
BEST FEELING EVER: Standing in a hot fucking shower, while super baked, while eating a cookie.
You eat cookies in the shower?
You were convinced you would hurt my car if you opened the door. Then you barfed in the pretzle bucket Peter gave you
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
I have the overwhelming need to take care of him. Both with my vagina and like emotionally.
I don't need to marry the guy. I just need some filthy, shameful wish fulfillment sex and then live out the rest of my life on the bean farm.
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
Damn. Looks like nobody I know is doing anything interesting. Guess it's another slut-it-up-with-strangers sort of night.
Listen, I love you but you cannot refer to your dick as the holy sister anymore
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