we'll hang out once this whole, "your friends are robbers and drug addicts" thing blows over with my parents.
In an effort to go green, I just used rainwater to fill my bong.
i'm waiting for the less fat version of him to text me
I need $500 dollars more than I need a night of dignity... I gonna do it.
I can't even look at my running shoes. I swear I drank more in the last 2 days than the last 6 months combined
The first thing we did this morning was see if we could see her barf in the prking lot from the roof. We could. It was in 5 spaces.
i puked in the 2nd best shower and the couple fucking in the 1st didnt even pause so you might wanna hold off on that for a while
Apparently I was having great conversation with this 48 year old on grindr & he was concerned as to how I was getting home.
Mmm. Champagne. Weed. 17 pounds of animal crackers.
I'd say "I think I gave my TA chlamydia" is an accurate way to sum up my life.
Your babysitter texted, wants me to pay with weed. I don't know where to get any & don't want to. Will she take cigarettes instead? Or um, cash? Like a person?
I know how to kill a man with nutmeg and a sword. You in?
Or nah
I really would enjoy sexual intercourse with you.
Most formal booty call EVER
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
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