I woke up (not at home) to find out I kissed Ryan Caberra, flashed for free gumbys and carried around an inflatable moose named Johnson. Great success.
Small penises have feelings too.
Just bought purple Ray Bans. If there was any small chance that I would ever have sex with women ever again, I just buried it.
you were so drunk you slurred your pauses
Every single piece. I examined every single square inch of this peanut butter and jelly sandwich. and fell in love with every inch. that high.
there are too many children here to make this hangover-friendly
craigslist free llama. are you in or are you in?
he was holding his dick in one hand and my boob in the other and i looked down and thought, this is my life
It's a self-perpetuating puke chain.
We were showing our tits to everyone because it's breast cancer awareness month and we care deeply
I thought we were doing it cause it's Tuesday
We let 3 boys take us home and then we woke up in the middle of the night, stole all the coozies out of the house, a loaf of bread, a case of water, a pair of shorts, called a cab, and went home.
I woke up on a park bench with a nice homeless guy waking me up. I bought us Carl's Jr. Best birthday ever!
feeding cats lunchmeat on my kitchen floor. come pour me another shot.
i'm at work, alone, drinking a spiced chai & fireball hot toddy. holiday OT isn't that bad after all.
my ex finally blocked me on all social media and tbh I'm only pissed because his roomate just got a puppy
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