Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
he told me my vagina needed a tic tac
You are writing your college essay comparing yourself to Lady Gaga, Vladimir Putin, and Dale Earnhardt Jr. and you are worried about the conclusion sounding cheesy?
The bouncers kicked us out around 3 so we went to the grocery store flasks in hand and asked them to turn up their music...
Bring single women, or taken women who are unhappy with their relationships, or women who are happy with their relationships but have low moral standards, or women who just like to remove clothing when drunk (relationship status is unimportant for this option)
We tried the hang n bang, remember? You ruined it by crying and telling me you loved me while blowing me.
We're getting paid a considerable amount of money to send each other pictures of our dicks...
somebody went from crying while watching Full House, to a full on emotional raging bull...I love this time of the month
Pretty sure that propositioning you to fly across the country for sex fest '13 isn't something my husband would approve of.
I just ordered cookies for delivery. My life is falling apart.
my sex drive just dried up, fell out, and is rolling on the floor somewhere.
So this is my life now? Laying in bed texting about Hulk penis?
all I know is that I was naked, and there were cheeto puffs everywhere...
there is definitely a hickey on my left nipple.
I'm totes in the mood to go home and like blindly inhale dangerous amounts of porn
Randomize
