I just watched a guy get turned down by a prostitute
OMG A WOMANS PROSTETIC ARM JUST FELL OFF AT BAGGAGE CLAIM
Thanks for putting the blue stuff in the toilet, it made me throwing up this morning more enjoyable.
Also, last night I had a dream that I was in a victoria's secret fashion show and they made me wear a t-shirt over my lingerie. Spring dieting begins now.
So, do you ever feel like EVERY SINGLE ONE OF YOUR FRIENDS IS INVOLVED IN A MASSIVE AND INTRICATE CONSPIRACY TO COCKBLOCK YOU AT ALL COSTS?
Considering the last guy I had sex with was gay, this was a huge improvement.
I have to stop drunkenly making out with guys just because they're tall or have a beard.
She's an honest to god fucking ballerina. She did things I don't have names for.
He is dust bro dust in the wind I waited in this unlocked car long enough.
He texted me at 2am telling me to come get my American flag from his place, if that's not code for sex idk what is
I just quoted part of the Pokemon theme song in a sext... And it worked
Note to self: never fuck a Canadian, surprisingly highly disappointing
Why is there a whip in the kitchen?
Two old ladies openly mocked me this morning at drunk breakfast. Is it time to reevaluate my life choices?
I just heard a crying baby from out my apartment window and yelled SAME
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