First night home from college and I already forgot that walking around nearly naked with my laptop open to smut porn isn't acceptable. Sorry, mom.
Hes far too high and trying to explain daylight savings time to me. Help?
My sole motivation for showering this morning was to masturbate. Something is wrong here...
Dude, she uses Old Spice. It smelled like I was eating out my grandfather.
I think call of duty has replaced my masturbating. And I'm alright with that.
It's only been a week and i've already broken my no summer randoms rule twice.
Bought two parrots for us. I'm keeping them at the Bellagio.
I make your heart skip a beat like that pivotal moment when you open a public toilet lid
I was giving a campus tour, when a drunk senior came up behind me and shouted at the group, "If Jesus ain't your homeboy - get the fuck off this campus!" Looks like his religion course is paying off...
Tiny.
I mean tony. It's like autocorrect knows he wasn't well endowed.
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
She took her panties off, then farted in my general direction. I guess we're at that stage in our relationship.
How do you politely tell a guy that you only kissed him so he would shut the fuck up?
According to the arrest report, I shouted "no, YOU put some pants on" at the cop. Downhill from there.
Look, I know why you're asking me, but just because I'm gay does not make me a wiki on butt sex. Ask a doctor or you know, the internet like everyone else.
Randomize
