I thought he was gonna sex me but then he ran to my bathroom and jerked off
The dog threw up again, this time IN the toilet. I've taught him well.
i walked outside and you were driving up the stairs to her apartment
Learned a valuable life lesson last night. It's titled "Tequila: Still A Bad Idea".
He just told me that when we were doing it I told him I was the captain and he was the boat. Im too embarassed to ask for money for a cab.
I make your heart skip a beat like that pivotal moment when you open a public toilet lid
looking at my texts from you makes me want to throw up in my pants
Handcuffs are allowed in carry on luggage :) just checked
It was like a Thanksgiving meal, which you spend 8 hours cooking, and the family wolfs down in 20 minutes. All that flirting and build-up for like 90 seconds of pumping and he was gone in a flash, never to be heard from again.
You owe me beer. On another note, I made out with the ups guy at work today ....
You drunkenly said something along the lines of "move forever" to the lady standing in your way. Needless to say you had too many mimosas at breakfast.
My sexual preferences tend to require a degree in psychology to understand
Very unfortunate to find out the kid who took your virginity has never seen Star Wars🙃
There's nothing like when u really click with a stripper
Thank you for coming with me today. I find it appropriate that we celebrated my negative pregnancy test with slurpees and donuts.
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