i can't put facebook on my resume under hobbies.
Cute you're picking friends over dick. I feel like this is the trailer for a lifetime movie.
The cops just drove by on their loudspeaker going DO NOT DRINK THE WATAHH
I love boston
I'm trying to spell out I love you with a series of photos of my penis, but I just realized I can't do the Y of you
She went dumpster diving. Found flourescent light bulbs, carpet samples and $15. We got a bottle of Popov, played star wars and threatened random people with the carpet. Get on our level.
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
I'm high and craving hash browns from McDonalds. Please pick me up. I also would like a hug and a supportive pat on the back when you get here. Thanks.
Its two in the afternoon. McDonalds don't sell hash browns at 2 in the afternoon. Whore. The hug I can provide however.
Accidentally hit on the same girl twice at the bar, she give me her number both times though so I think its cool.
Either im tripping real hard, or there's a legit land shark in my apartment.
I don't know, I think having hemorrhoids shows character. You have to be trying pretty hard to get them.
He added me to his contacts as 'boot and rally'...have you ever been more proud to be related to me?
I can't wait to tell mom.
Is it sad to eat a candy bra by yourself?
we bonded over knowing every word to freaky gurl by gucci mane so it’s kinda starting to make sense why I gave him head in his cul de sac
I'm going to be there later than expected. There was a yo-yo incident...
I have had my dick inside of entirely too many people at this wedding in order for me to be the groom. Please give me a swift kick in the dick to wake me up from this nightmare
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