I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
I was just tapping my foot in the bathroom at Penn Station just PRAYING for anonymous sex. You know how that goes.
i'm sending her a home depot gift card for the hole i put in her wall. call it good?
i just unintentionally masturbated to my own facebook picture
i woke up to my roomate hitting me in the head with a can of PBR at 8:30 in the morning...i love spring break
please explain to me why there is a shopping cart in my living room.
i told her she would have to blow me everytime we lost a game of beer pong, she never noticed i purposely hit our opponents in the face every other shot
How's my sex life is me mastubating next to her dog. that's how it's going.
i'm 99% sure they had an orgy while i was passed out
How do you tell a vegan you want him to stuff you like a turkey?
They made me leave the maternity ward, how do I get back in?
The lady at the front desk wished you a happy hangover.
I need to find a more reliable booty-call so I can start dating people and take it slow.
sitting in the prison waiting room in my boyfriends clothes. looooong story.
You sat outside petting a picture of your cat for hours... not even the real thing... just a picture.
Randomize
