The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
I'm cleaning the house. And I can't stop listening to Enrique Iglesias. Am I gay?
I even have the new album if that helps you make a decision.
I had sex with him, and then he gave me a $5 Starbucks gift card. Totally worth it
she was so wasted that she tried to tuck me in and read the jokes on the taco bell sauce as a bed time story
I asked her if she wanted to make this a permanent exclusive thing instead of a fuck buddy thing, and she just looked at me like I'm an idiot.
That's because you are an idiot.
I woke up alone at my apt. On the floor with the door wide open, but still. Success.
I kinda remember trying to staple rolls of toilet paper to make a pillow, but it's blank after that.
Jello bowls to the fucking face, that or ramen spiked with liq. Those are the only options in this house.
Super awkward that I just now realized I added no verb to the first statement about super hero porn. We were watching it, not making it. Clarity.
She said I had a really great aura. Which I think is hippie code for "I bet you can give me a mind melting orgasm"
They started shooting fireworks out of a dryer. It was my cue to leave.
Hello my rib-scented angel!
SOS... STANDING IN THE BAR NEXT TO MY BF AND THE GUY WHO I HOOKED UP WITH ON CHRISTMAS DAY..
She woke up next me in bed and told me to stop driving so fast.
I just did a bump with my mom so I’d sober up for Black Friday shopping
Randomize
