my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
Dude, we have the same penis size. Best friends for life.
I hope you never procreate. Philly is already the ugliest city in the country.
I can do anything tonight that doesnt involve an erection.
Ive been home for 20 minutes and I'm already in bed with a vodka tonic
He told me he felt like he shoud say thank you and as a prize i could keep anything from his room that i wanted.
He's yummy.
HE'S GAY. AND 40.
Irrelevant.
I just took my birth control with Redi-Whip. I'm that girl.
Neat. I'm thinking about growing a handlebar muffstache. What are your thoughts on this?
We don't have any ice, so I'm using the frozen cognac to reduce the swelling on Abby's toe.
We had sex in the morning in pregnant lady position. Like fuck me like the hott piece of ass that I am, not your wife of 7 years.
Whoever decided to put a Denny's that close to the strip club is a genius.
I'm planning our wedding on the computer and our threesome on my phone. At the same time.
Do NOT. I repeat. DO NOT call me little one after we have fucked. In no world is that ok. Even jesus agrees.
People don't believe me when I say the bruises are from work. They just smile and say "right." Trust me, I WISH my sex life was that exciting.
Randomize
