the worst part of it wasnt him peeing on the xbox. it was when he showed me his penis and made a kissy face at me. THAT was painful.
I give you the lube, you make me the mac and cheese, that's a pretty fair deal I think.
I drunkenly asked a stripper to join our volleyball team.
Come over and play the Jeter 3000 drinking game. You drink if the commentators say "captain" or "3000". I'll drink if they say "overrated" or "past his prime".
My vag has a bald spot. That is so middle aged. Is this my midlife crisis?
Some guy wearing a horse mask just knocked on my door and started whinnying. I opened the door and he was like, "...oh sorry, wrong room..." so awk.
You're fucking beautiful as shit and we should have loving sex...
he gave me a thermos so I could take my coffee with my on drive of shame. I was unexpectedly grateful...
Tell me about it. Running across highways take alot outta ya. When he found out, he was all "concerned" about it.
I lost all of my bathing suit tops.. This is both a success and a failure
Literally if she wants to make a big deal, I'd rather have shit smeared on my face.
I found your dog. Now we are bros, so he is staying. Don't call, don't make it weird.
There are five fire trucks here and needless to say my booty call left so come back home whenever you like
drunk and crying about Shakespeare- how's your night?
I think I just scared the sex out of my booty call. He saw me at the grocery store using one of those "future mother" parking spots right next to the handicap ones. He just made eye contact and drove off. I regret my laziness.
Randomize
