God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
Im broke. I spend all my money on weed cigarettes alcohol and food. In that order. I cant even cut one of those because you know it'd be food. I already stopped getting my nails done just so i could support my bad habits.
I mean she's dancing like an epileptic patato and i'd like to slap her
Thats about the time I should have known you would run around naked and try to make out with my sleeping mother
I'm going to an arts college, I live next to the frat houses, and my room number is 420. god has plans for me and I couldn't be happier.
i would think by now you'd realize that my penis does whatever the fuck it wants and i have no control over the situation
You have to come over we all bought drinking hats. Mine has a turtle on it. Side note: somehow someone got their hands on 50 candied apples and we need to eat them...
That's true. There's really no bad time to take a Vicodin.
It is the Reeses peanut butter cup of pharmaceuticals.
I'm all about sex. But even I know there will be a time to retire my junk. And that will be my 40th birthday, or whenever I'm hideous
You ever just wake up and decide, today I'm going to eat a whole bag of fritos and a tub of cream cheese
Just got biofeeze on my vag. Weirdest sensation everrr. Can't decide if I want to cum or cry
Nothing says I'm committed to you for all eternity like letting him wear crocs to the wedding
In retrospect i can confidently say that the last two months of our relationship... i was only in it because i didnt wanna lose my list on his netflix account.
So you can text and rub it at the same time? Bravo.
I can do anything and masturbate, if I truly wanted to.
you know your booty call is really trying when he offers to pay the toll for the bridge you have to cross to get to his house
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