Just assessed the damage in the bath. Two love bites. One bruise on the inner thigh. Strange awareness of what i'm assuming is my cervix. I've definitely missed you. x
watching my parents drink 4 loko out of usf cups playing pool and rocking out to ACDC...
Can I come live with you?
Sometimes I wonder why I hang out with you. And then you show up half naked at my door with a half gal of vodka, and I remember why.
Moment of the night: you were impatient while I paid for the tequila shots and proceeded to lick and salt MY hand for me. This is why we're roommates.
bad sex. bad bad bad. it was like trying to pick up an overcooked noodle with an empty pringles can. why do these guys always seem to find me?
be ready to rage tomorrow. like naked ranch dressing rage
We kept trying to bring you to the hospital but you had a tantrum and kept saying you would never be Miss America
Told my prof I have mono so that he won't judge me when I show up hungover and looking like shit to class every day.
Just skip
Please. i have SOME standards
i just called my dad a bottom. he agreed
How drunk is she?
She's trying to French braid the dogs hair, there's no stopping her
How the fuck can he download so much porn but not know how to find the Skype app?
you told me I was being patronizing because I didn't want you to run barefoot across a construction site
DO NOT PREHEAT THE OVEN THIS MORNING! WE STARTED USING IT AS A WINE STASH AROUND MIDNIGHT.
Instead of going to my moms birthday party I went over and gave him head. I should win non girlfriend of the year award
I'm about to do something based solely on the fact that a fortune cookie told me to. This may not end well.
Randomize
