I can only masturbate in one position. It's very inconvenient.
My roommate was eating ketchup out of a bowl. Get me the hell out of here.
Change your flight to Denver. That's where my penis is.
You're just mad at the fact that I want to be a car alarm.
Dude. The walls are totally staring at me right now. I told you this was a bad idea.
You ever get that 6th sense feeling in your dick like you know its gonna get sucked later?
The neighbors outside are screaming at one another about God knows what and everyone is too scared to go outside and we NEEd more beer
the 5 D's of Dodgeball literally just saved my life
Dude Carly, it's like, inconvinent how often you cause me to have an erection
Came home plastered at 8am. Roommate had hot glued all the ashtrays and various items to their surfaces. Couldn't handle it. Went back to the bar.
He wants to tie me naked and spread out on his table, press a vibrator to my clit and feed me ice cream.
That is my stoner wet dream!
Have you seen him ? Seriously. No one is that straight.
He has no idea I'm scrolling through Instagram while he's going down on me. I'm so bored.
I think I kinda scared him when I tried to wrap his snake around his dick while he was trying to nap.
The highlight of my week is I found some hetero porn I didn't completely hate. Branching out.
Randomize
