I want you more than these girls want KFC
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
i may or may not have puked on your loofa in the shower.
She's "scared" of blowjobs, so she just played with it for a while.
i think that after ALREADY drinking that much, the tube shots may have been a bad idea.. i mean afterall, i did wake up and find my cell phone IN the bonfire the next morning.
3 things I learned last night: 1.) I'm not as light as I used to be. 2.) Sex on the roof of a convertible is a really bad idea. 3.) The hospital now has super glue pens for sealing minor cuts instead of stitches!
Do you remember trying to use a pencil, pen, and sunglasses as your second form of ID at the bar when they wouldn't let you in last night?
I just found out my college boyfriend's nickname is actually a Dutch word for little cucumber.....it all makes sense now.
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
It's hard to hold down the snapchat button for video while thrusting. Sorry if the cinematography wasn't Oscar-worthy.
Just checking to make sure you weren't kidnapped, pregnant or watching Fox News.
Have you seen him ? Seriously. No one is that straight.
We had sex and I never took my mets hat off... I feel like Duda knows and approves.
Burnt food and a broken vibrator. Disappointment after disappointment. Is April a man?
he's not even weird he's been offering me different drinks all night
oh i remember now hes the guy that liked when i peed on him
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