I want to buy you liquor! I want to kiss your face.
bras are like tupperware for tits, keeps em fresh.
I seriously need to stop naming my lingerie sets after the boys I wear them for. I seriously just asked mom if she put Brett in the dryer
The best part of listening to lady gaga while high is that any word your brain puts in is right.
Said he made a playlist for taking a shit. only two songs on it are the Star Wars theme and "America, fuck yeah" set to repeat.
My clit is not a Gobstopper. Cut it out.
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
I'm going to get pregnant and die... Mean Girls warned me about this but I didn't listen
I have a vague memory of you tryin to ride a unicycle through jimmy johns
My Midnight Kiss was a Big Mac.. Happy New Year
He described his sex dream about me using only emojis
Good for you, kid with a beer in hand as you walk to your 11 am class.
I thought this was a dry campus.
That means you have to bring your own beer from home.
I like to make sure they know it's casual by giving then a high five after sex
Why is there a condom in my ukulele?
Gotta go, there’s a chick at my door that wants to give me head
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