last night they convinced you that a sharpie was a new style of chap stick... so when you wake up, you might want to do something about that
he asked me to put his condom on because he couldn't see without his glasses
He didnt have condoms & didnt trust himself to pull out. Thats when I knew he was a keeper. So I blew him so he knew I was a keeper too.
True romance of the 21st century.
I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
I always know the weekend is over when the real license comes out and the fake goes back into the hiding spot.
these marshmallows taste like mayonnaise. like playing tetris on a gameboy, that's what these marshmallows mean.
It was like getting head from an anaconda
All I remember is that the bartender wouldn't give me scissors cuz I was too drunk
Just tell your wife to stay in the car because you are self conscious about drinking infront of her. Now you have a DD AND we can still have a good time.
Idk yet. Trying to convince him to get a phoenix bird tattoo first
I already have one guy that I have regrettable sex with. I don't need another.
You sir are most definitely in. Better get your penis an umbrella as that bad boy is gonna get soakkkkkkeddddd.
Tried to drunkenly hop a fence with my cast on to get away from the cops but ended up falling over a bench.. how do I explain those bruises to my parents?
There is blood on the door to my room, I have to go to sleep
That was the best shit ever it was like an exorcism for my colon
Randomize
