shhh. i hid the ranch dip behind the rooster. don't tell anyone that way you can find it in the morning and it won't be all eaten.
wrong number but thanks
Is there a nice way of saying 'touch my penis or i dont really wanna hangout"?
you googled "nude photos of celebrities you wouldn't expect to have nude photos", puked into the beer bong, and then laughed
I think I am the only girl in the world who would be proud of these scars from rug burn.
He looked at me and said "Last call" before putting his penis away into his boxers
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
Listen, everyone has a price and mine is free taco bell.
You said you wanted to start a restaurant called 'Barbecue' where everything is barbecued. You sounded really proud of your concept.
I just threw out a whole Christmas ham, 12 positive pregnancy tests, 3 empty vodka bottles and by ex boyfriends Latina porn collection in the same garbage bag. The homeless person who goes through the bins tonight knows I have nothing left to loose.
I played ping pong,drunk, with my hand instead of the paddle. And i won. I have hidden talents
Just as I was applauding myself for the best wing man award, I realized we are going to have to burn our futon.
And that is why we dont do tequila shooters at 1 in the afternoon. Because you go home with a beast like that
I'm happy in my shell. My shell which consists of keeping guys in the friend zone and me masturbating...
Turns out the owner of the bar that I fucked used to be on Boy Meets World, but now he's old and bald. So there's that..
Sorry, I gave half my brain to my thesis and the other half to mdma
Randomize
