woke up in a shopping cart using a keystone box as a blanket. how was your night?
You were asking people if they could pee on you while you shotgunned beers
I told her Billy Mays couldn't convince me to sleep with her
I may have been to starbucks and 2 classes with balls still written on my face...
We learned about herpes today in bio. I might as well have given the lecture
i perioded on his leg
on. his. leg.
i distinctly remember leaping through the apartment to rescue the clam chowder burning in the kitchen
the point of no return was when you "drugged" his drink with glitter. face-planting on his dick was beyond.
Lmao the neighbor heard yall last night She wanted me to tell you way to finish strong
i'm totally cool with all the dick sucking you're doing down there, but as your brother i think i'm supposed to warn you our parents will be home in 5
Just to update you. I am dead. So your probably gonna have to find a new roommate
I should have made a run for it. Seriously who calls the cops on themselves and goes to jail. ...on a Monday.
There is a doctor sitting next to me at lunch talking about the engorged scrotum surgery he did this morning and I am about to lose my professional grown adult facade.
Random pof guy just messaged me initiating a Pokemon battle. Want to be a bridesmaid?
For full disclosure: I told my roommates last night that you have a very clean asshole.
Randomize
