hipster in red sally jessy raphael glasses inside. kick her.
her roommate was in the bathroom for over an hour so i volunteered to take the dog out and i shit in the bushes
Fuck, now I'm not only the other woman, but the pregnant one
For some reason I just don't think you going to the gay bar alone on thanksgiving is a good idea.
He told me he was in a Proactive commercial. It didn't seem to work for him but he was buying me shots so I slept with him anyways.
Side note: THE ORIGINAL LION KING IS COMING THE MOVIES AGAIN--3D STYLE. We need to find shrooms.
We could supplement the Tour with Edward Andre-hands. Because 40s are for the 99%.
You slid down the wall and got into the fetal position. He was definitely judging... I was judging....
Decided I'm going to wear a shirt that says "I'm sorry" whenever we go back to that fraternity
I am so sorry for drunk texting you r kelly lyrics
I feel like a drive thru vagina
I think I pulled a muscle in my tongue.
sorry? thank you? I love you?
She was trying to be sexy well putting on my condom with her mouth when her cat pounced from the corner of the room witch caused her to gasp and inhale the condom
fucked him on the porch to avoid the chanting that always happens when we leave the bedroom. backfired when a group of freshman walked by and started screaming like fucking babies.
look, bitch. one day when everyone i care about deserts me for my severe moral depravity, you're going to be the only one i have.
i can't wait.
Randomize
