Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
Google Chrome's "top 8 most visited sites" page has become my motivation to stop masturbating
You stood up gave the stripper 15 ones in a wad, hugged her and then sat back down.
I see you felt the need to carve your name in my kitchen table. thanks
My overnight senior got drunk and hooked up with Kaylee on Sunday. I checked Facebook and he already put down his deposit for next year. This school should pay me a commission.
I have bruises covered in glitter and someone just asked me if I realized I'm bleeding from both ears. This is awkward.
Do you know how difficult it is to give head to someone who's imitating Forrest Gump?
i saw the poster for your lost tequila... what a shame
And at least you didn't have a dinner of Ranch Pringles and Double Stuff Oreos. I forgot that part of being single.
I feel like satan and death had a baby that took a shit that replaced my brain.
i chased my gummy vitamins with cold bacon, never say I don't take care of myself
You told him he looked like Jesus and that you wanted to fuck his face, I'd say your blind date went well
I dunno what's worse, that one guy here said he'd blow somebody for Tim Horton's right now, or that someone else looks like they want to test his sincerity.
Come get me, I'm fucking scared.
I just bought a handle of tequila and a breakfast burrito. I might be out of money for the weekend, but at least I have the necessities covered.
scotch tastings during the week is a baaad idea. i woke up w no pants but wearing my winter coat
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