I just woke up with a girl who has left and right tattoed on her wrists. In french. I may need to stop drinking.
saw a man at the beach in a red speedo. when he rolled over he unintentionally displayed a HUGE skid mark.
i think i just heard my dad finish in the other room...
I told him that all frat guys do it... it was that easy to get him to go down on me.
Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
Stalkers don't have time for showers...it's a full time job
is it bad that upon arriving to my fourth sex toy party the sex toy lady instantly recognizes me?
I might not be able to enter cuba but that doesn't mean that a cuban can't enter me
A good ear swabbing is more orgasmic than sex with him
Passed out in a rocking chair on her porch. Woke up to the tow truck taking away my car.
I hereby state that I am over the age of 18. If I am not of age to purchase or consume alcohol products, I hereby acknowledge that I have not received any alcohol products from said party host. Also, in the event of injury or death, said party host is not to be held accountable. Please reply with your full name and today's date for your e-signature". *note: no text, no entry.*
Sorry bro, just a precaution. You know, ever since the "Jake incident". What a douche.
bring the dog... nobody goes to jail with a dog.
You wanted to thank my penis. You wanted me to take the condom off so you could touch it and thank it.
you never un-have a 4some
Apparently I thanked the paramedics over and over again for saving the "happy new year" beads that I was wearing
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