you went through ur friends list and posted an obscene comment on every ultrasound pic...."not his" "looks like a sea monkey"
I just figured I'd let u know that you bought a yacht on ebay last night
we put the last xanax in the middle and played hungry hungry hippos to see whod get it
fair is fair
Then you screamed "fuck her like shes not your sister tonight" at the people walking down the road.
Don't park in the garage. I installed a stripper pole while drunk and it's kinda in the way
He recognized me by my ass from about 15 yards away. I must have a REALLY nice ass.
So, since you're now a four night stand, I feel comfortable asking: Did I leave my sunglasses at your house? Or my underwear?
She stopped laughing and kind of stared at the wall for a while. Then she did 3 somersaults and said she saw jesus. This weed is fucking fantastic.
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
I was riding him and in the middle he literally said "fuck yeah, Amy Winehouse"
On a completely different note: my hookup and i are now in a semester GPA competition. Winner gets froyo and sexual favors. School just got interesting.....
id like to think im the only pot dealing prostitute that is also an ordained minister. but maybe not. what a time to be alive
"I'm pretty sure all our toasts were to Ben Afflecks penis last night."
I need to reevaluate my stance on weekday hangovers...
I don't work there anymore. If they had Prince themed dildo parties i never would have quit
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