The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
My 40 year old neighbors are throwing a party for their eight year old niece's birthday. It's 1am and they're still partying hard. Harder than me. It's Saturday. Just say it, I'm a disgrace to the generation.
it was like brushing your tongue but with a fucking long toothbrush.
He just made me a heart out of cocaine... i think i'm in love
There's a hand-carved wooden bong in my backpack, and i really wish i could remember last night now.
My nipple rings set off the metal detector at the courthouse this morning.
Go to petsmart and tell me if the dog trainer is the guy I slept with friday. Thanks.
Dude I swear I heard "geet out!!!" when I went down on her. I shouldve listened.
What's a nice way of saying "You fell asleep, and I got bored, so I made out with your brother"?
I hope my shame shaped pee stain outside your door goes away soon.
Siri just reminded me to pickup Plan B
So burnt out. Like weed hangover. And someone just fell through the ceiling outside of my class. How's your morning going?
She actually was beyond drunk but she for some reason kept calling herself a demigod and made me drive her to a bookstore
what's the least obnoxious place that i could barf on the bus?
I just started an apology with "so I'm sorry about throwing the Brita at your head last night..."
Randomize
