My mom foundout about my dui nd just called me to come home. I just took acid like 30 min ago. Wht should i do?
At the bar. Guy comes up wearing a hollister shirt and says "lets blow this popsicle stand"
You fucking left with him didn't you?!
would it be inappropriate to describe you with the phrase "bigass titties"?
um i just went through the in-n-out drive thru and meant to ask for my cheeseburger animal style. turns out what i actually said was, can i get that cheeseburger doggy style? been a rough weekend.
I misunderstood what a threesome is. Please come pick me up.
Well, at first I was really confused. But then I realized that he was talking from his penis's perspective... in third person.
I stole an ensure out of their fridge and started chugging it. That was when Maria made me leave.
He kept dropping hints about giving me crabs. Like he called my pubes a nest and said he "hoped there weren't any eggs in there."
Did we really just set fireworks off in a cemetery? Or was that a dream?
I think so and I think we were sober.
I will have to bone him sometime between now and July so he will move all my shit again
we were both freshly single and using each other as rebounds. most intense sex I've ever had. i felt like a grizzly bear emerging from hibernation in a whirlwind of sexual fury
I yelled "NO FLEX ZONE!!!" at the guy that thinks it's cool to take off his shirt at the party then proceeded to puking
I just wrote a self loathing message to self, wrapped my credit card in it, put it in an envelope, sealed it with another hate messame, and put it in my lock box. So. That's where I'm at.
I tried to fuck you in my bathroom while my parents were in the next room. I am a clusterfuck of fun.
as i was trying not to drunkingly fall off her toliet, i noticed her socks laying there. i quickly grabbed them, ran upstairs, and excitingly asked her if she had gotten them at sams club. she replied with, "...those are your socks."
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