I totally have a Rabbi on speed dial now. Keep it Kosher.
sometimes i just want to live alone. my roommate keeps looking at me weird like hes never seen a girl eat plain salt before
at 4 in the morning i heated a family sized mac n cheese for a minute and decided to eat it frozen cuz I didn't wanna wait for that long
My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
frozen peaches as icecubes. vodka Sundays just got wayyyy better
Wearing the BK Crown on the throne while dropping the kids off at the pool? Yes, one of my life's goals. Win
you kind of just crawled on top of him. that was the point at which i became concerned with how drunk you were.
FACT: the parking lot attendant was yelling "NO SEX HERE! NO SEX" at yall.
I only had sex with him so I could try to steal his roommate's cat, what kind of girl do you think I am?
Going to jail was so much more fun than I thought it would be. I feel like I walked away with more than just a bomb-ass mugshot, I feel like I made some life long friends.
Celebratory bar crawl?
That freshman guy that keeps trying to hook up with me just saved someone's life ... Should I reconsider?
I slipped on a piece of pizza last night and when the bouncer helped me up I told him the garbage can pushed me.
I'm sending midget strippers dressed as bull fighters with mini bottles of 1800 to your house. Already made the call. Jer is going halves on it. Can't be stopped! Won't be stopped!
He usually doesnt care about me cumming but last night he really tried, I feel that him going to the Womens March benefitted my sex life
Such a shame we didn't work out. We would've been a power couple producing NFL linemen :/
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