I'm eating oreos and watching porn. This is your fault.
I stayed up for hours making sure you didnt pass out in a mountain of your own puke. But when I heard you yell AWWWW FUUCCKK, somehow I knew everything would be ok
A worker across the alley is wearing your sombrero sans cat barf.
I'm drunk and you're awesome. let's stay this way forever.
Yeah like 200 white people came and they are playing that one Biggie Smalls song everyone knows.
Because of him my new motto is "Keep calm and fuck a guy with a beard". Yes, I am serious.
Omg just opened my passenger side door and my outfit from last night is on the floorboard.
YOU BETTER NOT BE SHAVING YOUR LEGS RIGHT NOW IM TRYING TO HELP YOU
you know that moment when all the alcohol kicks in and suddenly you realize the bar is very loud and you just want to bite someone sexy and ride their face i am kinda at that moment
I'm literally 40 minutes from where I was supposed to stay. I woke up in a parking lot.
It's a little hazey but I think I tried to request Nelly last night. There was no dj. Not sure who I was talking to
The bar tender had his entire hand down your asscrack.
I forgot about that. I was in MULTIPLE dimensions.
My lash glue is stronger than my sense of self respect
Just walked out of the train bathroom after having sex and got a round of applause from the passengers. Definitely the best part of the trip.
My new plan is to whip out my titties when they arrive. Maybe they won’t notice that I broke the couch fucking my boss...
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