Let's just have a brief moment of silence for my dignity before we start tonight
sexting on a treadmill. speed 9.0 beat that slut!
So, after having sex with my 4th overweight girl in 2 weeks, I've decided Charlie Sheen syndrome is ruining my life.
No need to clean the puke on the driveway. The squirrel is eating it up.
so all the bums hang out by my new store, they have a leader we call king bum... He got dethroned by police today for choking out a hooker. The bum heirarchy is in shambles right now.
Only I can have a panic attack in the back seat of a cop car and have them move me to the front seat.
That awkward moment when the guy you hooked up on spring break invites you over for dinner to meet his parents and you say yes because the first rule of college is never turn down a free meal.
THE SHIT YOU GET YOURSELF INTO
There are eight sets of guys I've made out with who have the same name. It's like noah's ark in my mouth.
i think dick pics are a sign of a sexual renaissance
If I come home tho and find u passed out naked in my bed with the bottle of crown empty, we're gonna have issues.
I'm sorry, I can't help the fact that I like to sleep naked, and I like booze, together it looks bad, yes.
Totally forgot Mike has only one ball. Is it sad I'm excited to see it? Or shall I say the lack of it?
The lady that was sitting beside me thought the best way to cheer herself up was to pet and ruffle my hair while crying and telling me her problems...
Tinder recommend to a friend: making threesomes easier since 2016
She is still drunk from the night before, sitting here eating KFC mashed potatoes and drinking Arbor Mist before Anatomy lab.
What's the weirdest place you've ever had sex?
I don't think you're psychologically prepared for this conversation.
Randomize
