everytime he calls himself the maxipad master i can't help but wonder what costume that would involve.
I told him I would sleep with him if he could name all the colors of the wind.
I just witnessed someone getting head in the parking garage. Don't ever tell me Baylor is too conservative again.
I'm drinking vodka out of a coffee pot. and i'm not even mad about it
Never again. Her vagina looked like a sad old man.
just saw someone climb out of the dumpster at cvs and start walking down the street like it was completely normal
Slowly realizing that my only incentive to bathe is shower beer
Cute underage boy is in my house.
OH MY GOD. DON'T DO ANYTHING. WHY IS HE IN YOUR HOUSE.
You woke up, mumbled something about forgetting to lock the truck at work, slapped my ass, then passed out again...
So I bet a guy he could drink two irish car bombs faster than me and I lost. now he gets to name our first son. sory.
I just remembered you petting my nose last night to help the cocaine 'sink in'. I don't think that's how it works
St. Patrick's day can kiss my ass. Still hungover. I guess I showed up at my gym blacked out yesterday morning. Like im not missing a gym day b
so i find a box of condoms inside my car with turn by turn directions to her bedroom... kinda freaked out cause she got my address and somehow inside my car
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
Let me know if you need some dick this weekend.
Between the BF being in town, partying at the Side Dick’s house tonight and two Tinder dates tomorrow I’ve got dick to spare!!
Randomize
