cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
Since you haven't talked to me since the rancid whipped cream fiasco, I'm going to assume we are no longer hooking up. But I need my handcuffs back. ASAP.
Ive consumed more rum studying for law school finals than I did that time I fucked that fat chick in the back of VW Beetle. It's all ugly, but for different reasons.
Listen to my proposal.... I feed you crackers while I fuck you ever so gently.
You were running around drunk in a Toga chasing the frat's Husky. Of course they remember you.
Passed out on the bench in the men's bathroom. Feel much better now.
I woke up and found a doughnut on our front porch. It's not sketchy though. More like a gift from the gods.
I heard you coughing. Are you choking or smoking? And are you okay?
Did u know it's unconstitutional to turn down a shot during 4th of July celebrations.. Rest now dear liver
Pedi-lyte stocked
hooking up with him was much more fun when i knew in the back of mind we'd get in some sort of trouble for it
I feel like shit, and I can't get the band aids off my nipples.
im drinking out of a pineapple, so yea.
I felt like I was selling my soul to satan but then I realized I already pawned it for drug money
I've got a surprise in the fridge when you get back.
Is it a puppy?
I really need to get a comfy set of masturbating shoes
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