He never called back after I emailed him my booty call contract.
His sex texting was like a step by step guide to the most boring sex ever...
I can't get away from Pickles they're either stuck in me, in my mouth, or I'm stuck in one. fuck my whole entire life.
If I die I am blaming you for not answering to tell me the proper dosage of horse tranquilizers to take
Just KTHXBAIed an old man for staring at me
i walked in on you eating. you had the fridge wide open and you were rotating between steak and handfuls of captain crunch.
Well Its not like I planned having my potato launcher explode and burn off my eyebrow and eye lashes.. I still have my right eyebrow can't u just be happy?
I woke up in a sink... Not like curled up on top of it though. I was standing, bent over, face first. IN THE DAMN SINK.
Debating going to the grocery store with my vibrator still in, cause I can't stand the idea of it out. Lets do some risk/reward
I love you, but it's "shark week" I'll make it up to you with naked breakfast.
Having to crawl on my hands and knees because I woke up with a mysterious broken foot this morning...
Noted. Next time you want to get fried chicken and cocaine.
Ok. That just sounds baller.
And by "have lunch together" you mean me giving you a blow job in the back of your Tahoe, right?
Wine through a straw in a subway cup.....classy
My life is far to together for someone who's such a hot mess inside
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