I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
I just got fire extinguished by his roommate while we were having sex. That's just taking cock blocking to a whole new level.
IF CHARLIE SCHEEN CAN DO IT I CAN DO IT IM A PROFESSONAL
MAYDAY. glass in foot, have crush on guy with mullet.life is over.
I feel like as your wife, as cool with your decision-making skills as I usually am, there should be a bigger explanation to you adopting a child while I'm in Houston.
I'm drunk off vodka and I haven't eaten today. I've never felt more like Kirsten Cohen in my life.
Bring me the dick of your room mate Alex and I will reward you in in skittles.
No he's great. He's trying to do "sexy stuff" for me now, which is pretty hilarious. He stirred my daiquiri with his penis last night. He also tied a bouquet of flowers around it.
apparently I stole your wolf lighter. probably bc you made me howl while you puked over your deck railing.
Nah, he's definitely here somewhere. Whether he survived the night or not is your problem, but I'm pretty sure he's around.
The only thing I know is that these arent my shoes and Aaron is missing and he has my house keys.
It was a great idea to buy that cocaine while dressed as an elf. It snowed all night for me.
If you had asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be right now at 26 years old, I can bet you one million dollars that "tweezing out my nose hairs before I go in to get laser hair removal on my upper lip" would NOT have been the answer
Nothing ruins an orgasm faster than accidentally calling out his boss's name
The party bus is stocked with 5 hour energies and beer and someone handing out adderall. Best. Wedding. Ever.
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