her eyes looked like someone had poured fruit punch in them. needless to say we had a good time.
hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?
what?
your penis
I just gave the bartender my number in roman numerals. If she figures it out, she's worth a shot
I just realized i came back home with my lei that one night. How do i forget my bra but remember my lei?
This needs to stop. I just vacuumed the wall. Adderall is a double edged sword.
Don't ask me how, but I have a squirrel in my backpack and I don't know what to do with it.
So did he inherit the massive family cock?
:(
So this tall girl jumped in our cab and I was like hey I have pics of u on my phone. It wasn't creepy at all
You wrote me a check. For zero dollars. For my soul. Dick.
We found him flat on his back, sobbing, 'fuck you stars' at the sky. No more everclear for Derek.
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
This day took a left turn at "This is your going away party, I got a bunch of blow."
We're currently sharing pics of our cats. I can't wait to sit on her face.
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
Hypothetically speaking, if a girl asks you to fuck her wearing only your hockey helmet, is that socially acceptable?
Randomize
