3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
i half slept with him but i still dont owe you any money
Being back home for the summer opens up so many opportunities to have sex without increasing my number
We're past the whole "Did she just try to finger my ass?" Stage. Now it's encouraged.
She just fell in the river. Meet us downstream with the bottle.
he threw my burrito on the ground and said im too drunk. fuck that guy.
When he goes down on me, he stares me in the eyes like a shark mocking it's prey as it devours it. Plus, his beard smells like dirty gym socks. This has got to end.
Come on. I'll make you hot pockets. Literally and sexually.
I literally just fucked insane clown pussy. 24 yo nut job moonlights at children's parties. Gave me head while still in full clown makeup from my kid's birthday party.
My black heart of coal cannot compete with your boiling crock pot of teddy bears, rainbows, 90s music, and the good candy you get from rich people on Halloween.
possible new low: just washed a permanent marker penis off my cheek with porta-potty hand sanitizer.
also if this is gonna be a sample of how country jam will be, I might as well break up with him now. he spent the night blacked out and I could have been in a three-some.
I need a costume
Dude just wear a bra or something hahaha
He and his ex stood there talking about going to get Chinese food while I was half naked searching for my panties
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
He went three whole days without making a star wars reference, of course he got sex
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