So I thought I was slick leaving his room this morning all incognito. Little did I know I was wearing his football jersey with his name across the back... stilettos & my bra was left behind. never seeing that again
his text ended with ... everyone knows dot dot dot equals infer sexy time
Drag queen told me that I have the cheek bones to do drag. That's supposed to boost my moral.
Just made nicotine water. Ithink i'm having a heart attack.
I wish my head, heart, dick, and nose could just agree on something for once
A man that refers to my vagina in third person is a man after my own heart.
That birthday blow job you ordered came in the mail today. I suggest you hurry home.
i'm totally cool with all the dick sucking you're doing down there, but as your brother i think i'm supposed to warn you our parents will be home in 5
His penis smells like laundry I just wanted to cuddle it
Paris has not been good for her. Everytime she has a one night stand from a different country, she buys a mini flag and tapes it to her wall with the others
Dude, we tried to feed you but you just started sobbing and ran away
All I know is when I checked my phone this morning google translate was open with "help the cow ate my robot" translated to French
If the guys trying to booty call text me could see me right now in some raggedy pajamas with toothpaste down the front of my shirt eating pepperoni out of the package they might change their minds
Help I accidentally unlocked this guy's tragic backstory and I need a rewind button!
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
Randomize
