theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
I bet i've been more pregnant than you.
I'm just trying to jam my tits into some coconuts and I'll be on my way
Pre warning. Your not gonna sleep tonight cuz I'm staying with your roommate. Thanks for breaking up with me.
Post-sex chicken soup was such a good idea. It's been like an hour and I'm still applauding myself
I have to fuck proof my bed. It was in the middle of the room this time.
You know just sitting here carrying on a conversation with a 5 yr old about why there is puke at the landing of the staircase
i was drinking at the bar last night with a guy with no bottom teeth, wearing zubas and a polka dotted hat. if that isn't the definition of wisconsin, i dont know what is
I went online and donated $30 to his walk-a-thon as a "sorry I puked in your bed last night"
And on that day, Satan said; "Let there be the friend zone and let us get fucking high." while Jesus silently cried in the background.
Well I checked the bush outside his apartment building this morning, and he wasn't there... So I knew he was home.
Get up, biotch, before I come traipsing in there to rip apart whatever god-forsaken spoon you have going on between the two of you and your dog.
We are back but we are listening to stairway to heaven in my car. Amy is air drums. Be back when it's over.
Last thing I remember at your house last night is your dad leaning on the beer pong table and saying "you guys can fucking party"
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
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