Loo but I'm already drunk TINIGHT! CAPS ATTACK
Anddd after the worst sex of my life, he said.."do you mind taking off the condom, tying it up, and throwing it at the door?" Weird.
My psychiatrist is "consulting" others. I am high-achieving nuts.
Blood drive hookups: you will probably faint during the sex, but at least you know neither of you has AIDS
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
I don't want to die alone with cake watching shows about cake
Just found a g string in our driveway, wtf happened this weekend?
I can feel my liver begging me to stop.
Note to self... Do not stick your head in a can of paint and try to paint the walls green with your hair
It was right before we played jenga with champagne glasses for a good half hour
SHE BROUGHT HER PARROT TO THE PARTY. IT SQUAWKS EVERY TIME SOMEONE VOMITS LIKE 'PARTY FOUL SQUAWKKKKKK'
I thought my broken hand would put a damper on Halloween, but fake costume eyelashes and hydrocodone are kinda fun at the same time.
Based on his face I'm positive he has a beautiful penis.
I've turned into a small time drug dealer, now who's the real MVP.
If I end up in the hospital remind me to order jimmy johns.
Why?
They deliver.
Randomize
