I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
So he ended up having sex with me, but it was so awkward. When it was over, he went to the bathroom, and he came back and asked, "are you on your period or something? there's blood on my dick..." and i said, "well it was supposed to start today, nice surprise...i am so embarrassed." and he said ,"it's better than you queefing." and as soon as he said that, i queef the hardest and loudest i ever had.
just a heads up, there may or may not be a mailbox full of the leftover beer on the table in your basement.
Im down. Even tho your nick name intimidates my vagina.
I don't want to be with anyone who doesn't accept me for who I am. eating cheeseburgers in bed is my favorite activity.
You insisted we help some homeless guy put up posters for his missing pet alligator so we left you there because they were really just Chinese takeout menus.
I just don't do feelings in the summer months.
I was wearing my get used bookstore shirt when we fucked. Ironic yet appropriate.
We are planning a drunk snapchat treasure hunt for tomorrow, and the treasure is his penis, this is a game I'm not willing to loose.
I'm on the bus, watching a girl shush her balloons.
My bank account got hacked so he showed up with a 6 pack wearing a superman cape to cheer me up and you question why I love him?
I threw up through my nose tonight. Happy cinco de mayo
Nothing says I'm committed to you for all eternity like letting him wear crocs to the wedding
do you think mom is upset that i left with the stripper from her bachelorette party last night?
thought i saw a dude in a kilt yesterday, but then i realized he was doing a walk of shame. happy st. paddy's day.
Randomize
